Yorkshire Counselling Services

Psychosexual and Relationship Therapy in York. Tel : 07841 354 305

Month: February 2014

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me

and you start giving advice

you have not done what I asked.

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way

you are trampling on my feelings.

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems

you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

 

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen

not to talk or do – just hear me.

 

When you do something for me that I can and need to do

for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

 

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel

no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you

and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this

irrational feeling.

 

And when that’s clear the answers are obvious

and I don’t need advice.

 

Irrational feelings make sense when we

understand what’s behind them.

 

So, please listen and just hear me,

And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn;

and I’ll listen to you.

10 Tips for a good row!

Arguing and disagreements however solid a relationship, will happen from time to time, and it’s not so much about we shouldn’t have arguments, but more of when we do, how we resolve them in a good way which is important.

There is no doubt that there is a collation about how a couple argue and how these are resolved, which help maintain a healthy relationship. Some things to think about next time you are in an argument:

 

Choosing the best time and place – not having difficult or emotionally charged conversations if one of you is tired for example. Out in public might not be the best place either!

 

• Sticking to what the real issue is about – i.e. don’t make the argument about the washing up if the real issue is unsatisfactory sex!

 

 • Listen to each others’ anger, disappointment, sadness, or whatever else they may be feeling and without interrupting.

 

 • No one runs away – no one leaves before it has finished or goes silent, slams the doors or ‘uses’ tears.

 

 • Physical, verbal and emotional abuse / violence is never acceptable and totally out.

 

 • Avoid hitting below the belt – making it personal, dragging in others, name calling etc.

 

 • Not bringing up grievances from the past.

 

 • Not manipulating each other by withdrawing love or sex.

 

 • Not trying to be a winner and making the other person feel the loser….but to find a way through together.

 

 • Admit our mistakes, and start to look for a positive solution.

 

 

 

 Thanks for reading and maybe you have some thoughts you could share about what you do in these situations and what helps. Jason

 

 

 

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