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Month: March 2014

Tips on Negotiating

An important area and one that some of us can really struggle with in getting it right whether it’s at work, with our partners, friends, family and our young people. This weeks blogs is looking as some things to consider and to identify whether you are someone who is a good negotiator or could be better at it!

A relationship takes compromise on both sides and how we go about negotiating our own position and to get an outcome that doesn’t leave the other person feel like they have lost or had to coincide can be really helpful.

Are you a Hard or Soft negotiator ?

Someone who is a hard negotiator will often be hard on the other person, insists that their position is correct and can bulldoze through objections and sensitivities – often leaving the other person defeated and not heard and that there point is never listened to.

Someone who is a soft negotiator will often result in the person willing to shift and move their position and cave into any objections that the other person may bring up in order of trying to maintain the relationship and to avoid conflict. This again can leave the person feeling that they are always having to compromise.

So how to avoid being one of the above!

What we want to be trying to be is what is called a principle negotiator – and this means we try to respect the other person and their position and circumstances, but does not lose sight of the issues and gets an outcome where both parties feel there points have been heard and listened to, this can help to build a better relationship when issues arise and need to be resolved.

  • Be assertive and practical but this doesn’t mean being defensive or aggressive
  • Don’t lose sight of the issue
  • Don’t send the other person on a guilt trip
  • Keep it simple
  • Bring in secondary arguments if required
  • Don’t be afraid to bargain
  • Know at the start what is your bottom line and how far you are prepared to shift
  • Don’t open with your bottom line as this doesn’t allow you to move in your position
  • It’s not about who wins but about both parties coming away happy with the conclusion
  • State clearly what it is you want
  • Listen to the other person and what it is that they want
  • Agree to meet in the middle
  • Don’t accept it if you aren’t happy with the outcome as this leads to resentments – say so !
  • Consider if you aren’t being flexible enough and are perhaps being to rigid

If you hit an impasse then take a break don’t let it escalate and agree to come back to it when things have calmed down. If you really can’t find a middle ground then what is going to be the minimum that you are willing to accept.

If you have any thing to add or helpful ideas on successful negotiation please leave a comment. Thanks for reading,

 

 

Tips for Good Communication

Tips for Good Communication

 

Communication, communication, communication – how often do we hear that communication has broken down or we don’t communicate how we used to – what leads us to this and how do we get from talking and resolving differences to a position where even simple things seem to turn into a battle.

We all know that we should listen more than perhaps we do and it is quite usual for us to all think we are good listeners, but are we…worth thinking about isn’t it. Do we actually stop and listen to what the other person is saying to us, do we understand what they are trying to tell us, do we interrupt the other person before they have finished, do we check out with the other person if we hear something that makes us feel defensive and angry.

Miscommunication, assumptions are all things that can happen so how do we avoid doing this…

Here are some simple tips to think about…

If we want to try to get across something that the other person has done or does that we would like a change instead of constant nagging, making subtle hints or shouting which rarely gets the result that you actually want instead try :

Say what you feel……………………………….. I feel……………………..’

Describe the behaviour………………………… ‘When you……………..’

Say how it affects you………………………….. ‘Because……………….’

Ask for a change in behaviour………………. ‘What can we do about this……………’

Or we can do it another way

Say what you want………………………………. ‘I want……………………’

Explain what you want………………………….. ‘Because………………..’

Allow the other person to say how they feel ‘Are you able to do that?’

 

A useful book that can help us look at how we communicate and perhaps communicate in a better way is ‘Stop arguing Start talking’ by Julia Cole.

 

6 Ways to think about trust!

Trusting in a relationship is an important aspect, yet is something that comes up a lot in relationships and can cause a lot of difficulties when there doesn’t feel there is trust.

Here are some ways to think about trust and ways of trusting someone :

  • Reliability

– Do you /they keep their promises – ‘actions speak louder than words’

  • Predictability

– Do you / they generally do what they say they will

– Do you / they generally remember to do something on a regular basis

  • Honesty

– Do you / they answer or avoid questions

РDo you / they lie to get out of difficult situations 

– Are lies part of the relationship

  • Loyalty

 РAre you / they generally supportive

¬†– Are you / they generally ‘in the others corner’

  • Commitment

– Are either of you vague about what you want / expect in the future

– Do both of you ‘stick’ through the mundane up and downs of life

– Do you both have a vision of a future together

  • Shared Boundaries

– What do you agree are the most important things to maintain in the relationship

– How similar are your ideas and attitudes to sex, finance, children, work, home life

– What do you both believe about being faithful

– What ideas do yo share about how to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, high days

– What are your attitudes to contact with close and extended family members

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