Yorkshire Counselling Services

Psychosexual and Relationship Therapy in York. Tel : 07841 354 305

Coronavirus – Telephone counselling, webcam counselling and live-chat available for new and exisiting clients.

I Appreciate there is a lot of uncertainty and anxiety at this time, with regard to what will happen over the coming weeks with the Coronavirus. Understandably there maybe concerns around accessing face to face sessions at this time. If you are concerned or are having to self isolate,  I am able to offer my counselling services through other mediums. I am able to offer telephone counselling, webcam counselling and live chat counselling as alternative options. Check out my page around these other services available

Online and Telephone services

Or alternatively send me a message

Contact

Call  on 07841 354305 to have a chat about these services and how to arrange appointments etc.

There could be many reasons why these alternatives to face to face could be a good option. For some clients counselling face to face can often feel a daunting prospect. It could be you are housebound, disabled,  or for mental health reasons. Finding a baby sitter can often be a reason why clients seek alternative options to face to face sessions. Maybe you are wanting counselling but work away or you would like couple counselling but your partner works away. Whatever the barrier is for you then this can be a way of still being able to get the help and support you are wanting.

I trained to work in these mediums through Relate, and have 5 years experience of delivering counselling in these ways. I have worked with a range of individuals and couples who have found it to be an effective way of accessing counselling. All from the comfort of your own home.

It’s important to check that the counsellor has had specific training in the different types of mediums offered.

Existing Clients – If you would like to arrange our sessions by telephone or webcam, please get in touch or we can discuss at our next session.

Respect in your relationships

RESPECT

This is the foundations of any personal relationship that works well. It means that both partners understand

 

  • I am different from you

 

  • You are different from me

 

  • I do not expect you to be like me

 

  • You do not expect me to be like you

 

  • I am on your side

 

  • You are on my side

 

  • I trust your capabilities

 

  • You trust my capabilities

 

  • I will not force, shame or nag you into changing

 

  • You will not force, shame or nag me into changing

 

Looking at the different backgrounds which any couple bring to a personal relationship can help them to understand why there partners are as they are and why they behave as they do.

 

From increasing our understanding of the other, respect can grow.

 

Do you receive proper respect from your Partner ?

Try telling each other about a way in which you feel respected and a way in which you would like to be respected better.

 

10 Tips for a good row!

Arguing and disagreements however solid a relationship, will happen from time to time, and it’s not so much about we shouldn’t have arguments, but more of when we do, how we resolve them in a good way which is important.

There is no doubt that there is a collation about how a couple argue and how these are resolved, which help maintain a healthy relationship. Some things to think about next time you are in an argument:

 

Choosing the best time and place – not having difficult or emotionally charged conversations if one of you is tired for example. Out in public might not be the best place either!

 

• Sticking to what the real issue is about – i.e. don’t make the argument about the washing up if the real issue is unsatisfactory sex!

 

 • Listen to each others’ anger, disappointment, sadness, or whatever else they may be feeling and without interrupting.

 

 • No one runs away – no one leaves before it has finished or goes silent, slams the doors or ‘uses’ tears.

 

 • Physical, verbal and emotional abuse / violence is never acceptable and totally out.

 

 • Avoid hitting below the belt – making it personal, dragging in others, name calling etc.

 

 • Not bringing up grievances from the past.

 

 • Not manipulating each other by withdrawing love or sex.

 

 • Not trying to be a winner and making the other person feel the loser….but to find a way through together.

 

 • Admit our mistakes, and start to look for a positive solution.

 

 

 

 Thanks for reading and maybe you have some thoughts you could share about what you do in these situations and what helps. Jason

 

 

 

Are you really listening ?

We all like to think we are great listeners, but are we? research shows that actually we are generally quite poor at just listening, whether it’s because we feel criticised, feel we need to get our point across first or we are distracted by the television or more focused on our own thoughts these are all things which affect how effectively we listen.

Here is a few things to consider and see how good a listener you really are and are there things that you could be doing differently to improve your listening.

Are You Really Listening ?

Do I always interrupt?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I really listen ‘between the lines’  when people are saying one thing but perhaps meaning something else ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I really concentrate and try to remember important information ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I have control of my emotions if someone else is angry or upset ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I always turn off the TV / Stop reading the paper when someone is talking to me ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I show people that I am interested, by giving eye contact and turning towards them ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I listen or do I wait for them to stop speaking before speaking myself ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I help others to express difficult feelings ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I always try to fix the problem, rather than just listen ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I check out with people if I am unsure how they have meant something before taking offence or getting upset ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

 

 

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me

and you start giving advice

you have not done what I asked.

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way

you are trampling on my feelings.

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems

you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

 

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen

not to talk or do – just hear me.

 

When you do something for me that I can and need to do

for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

 

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel

no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you

and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this

irrational feeling.

 

And when that’s clear the answers are obvious

and I don’t need advice.

 

Irrational feelings make sense when we

understand what’s behind them.

 

So, please listen and just hear me,

And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn;

and I’ll listen to you.

Tips for Good Communication

Tips for Good Communication

 

Communication, communication, communication – how often do we hear that communication has broken down or we don’t communicate how we used to – what leads us to this and how do we get from talking and resolving differences to a position where even simple things seem to turn into a battle.

We all know that we should listen more than perhaps we do and it is quite usual for us to all think we are good listeners, but are we…worth thinking about isn’t it. Do we actually stop and listen to what the other person is saying to us, do we understand what they are trying to tell us, do we interrupt the other person before they have finished, do we check out with the other person if we hear something that makes us feel defensive and angry.

Miscommunication, assumptions are all things that can happen so how do we avoid doing this…

Here are some simple tips to think about…

If we want to try to get across something that the other person has done or does that we would like a change instead of constant nagging, making subtle hints or shouting which rarely gets the result that you actually want instead try :

Say what you feel……………………………….. I feel……………………..’

Describe the behaviour………………………… ‘When you……………..’

Say how it affects you………………………….. ‘Because……………….’

Ask for a change in behaviour………………. ‘What can we do about this……………’

Or we can do it another way

Say what you want………………………………. ‘I want……………………’

Explain what you want………………………….. ‘Because………………..’

Allow the other person to say how they feel ‘Are you able to do that?’

 

A useful book that can help us look at how we communicate and perhaps communicate in a better way is ‘Stop arguing Start talking’ by Julia Cole.

 

New Year a New You !

New Year can be a time to reflect on the past year or even issues going further back that have never been resolved and are holding you back from being the person you want to be.

Relationships sometimes like everything could do with an MOT just to keep things on track, maybe communication could be a bit better or perhaps your sex life isn’t what it was once and you want it to be part of your relationship once more.

Often we can get bogged down with the demands of day to day life, being a parent, work pressues and just trying to manage the day to day things and the relationship has got pushed down the priority list.

Or perhaps, depression, anxiety, low self esteem etc have held you back for to long now and you want to make changes to feeling more positive about who you are and to enjoy life again.

If you are young person and the worry of your GCSE’s are getting to much, things just feeling a little to overwhelming and you can’t talk to your parents and you are feeling alone with these feelings then talking to a neutral third party can help you.

Well it maybe time to address these issues and start the new year as you mean to go on, things from the past can hold us from moving forward and feeling positive about the future, if you are in need of some help and support then please get in touch.

 

 

Is Christmas & New Year a stressful time of year for you ?

Christmas & New Year can be a time of happiness and getting together with family etc, but it can also be a stressful time of year for a lot of people, relationships can feel strained, pressures of family etc, social anxieties of having to go to a work Christmas due or perhaps a New Years eve party, but you aren’t sure whether you can face being sociable perhaps because of low self esteem or lack of confidence. It a time when we are almost expected to ‘have fun’ but it is not always easy and can feel quite pressured to do so. If you suffer from depression then this time of year can feel especially difficult to manage as everyone else around you is having fun and appears happy and don’t understand why you don’t perhaps feel the same or as excited about it.

If you feel unsure how you are going to manage or feel you need some support during this period then counselling can help you to manage these anxieties and stresses. Also with the New Year looming it can be a time to look back at the past year and to think about maybe finding  a way of drawing a line under issues of the past that may still be bothering you or holding you back from being the person you want to be – whether it is help and support for yourself or perhaps things in your relationship aren’t as good as they could be or perhaps sexual difficulties which have never been resolved then it can be the motivation to start the year off by making positive changes.

Any of this feels familiar for you and you are wanting to make changes and get some support then please get in touch, appointments now available – daytime and evening.

Habits of making a strong relationship

An interesting article on the habits of couples who are in good relationships.

 

http://www.bustle.com/articles/45366-10-habits-of-couples-in-strong-and-healthy-relationships

Feeling low – Here’s some helpful Tips

“The secret of joy is the mastery of pain.” ~ Anais Nin
We can all feel low at times and find things difficult or lack motivation, enthusiasm to do things – here are some helpful suggestions of different things we can try to change how we are feeling to improve our mood.

If you are feeling low then give some of these things a go to see if they can help.
1. Step back and self-reflect. Whenever I start feeling depressed, I try to stop, reflect, and get to the root of my feelings.
2. Reach out to someone. I used to bottle up my feelings out of fear that I would be judged if I talked about them. I’ve since learned that reaching out to a loving, understanding person is one of the best things I can do.
3. Listen to music. Music can heal, put you in a better mood, make you feel less alone, or take you on a mental journey.
4. Cuddle or play with pets. I have really sweet and happy dogs that are always quick to shower me with love whenever they see me. Spending quality time with a loving pet can instantly make your heart and soul feel better.
5. Go for a walk. Walking always helps me clear my head and shed negative energy. It’s especially therapeutic if you choose to walk at a scenic location.
6. Drink something healthy and reinvigorating. For some reason, orange juice always puts me in a better mood and makes me feel revitalized and serene. There are many health and mood benefits of drinking orange juice and other fruit juices.
7. Write. Writing is usually the first thing I do when I’m feeling down. It always helps me get my thoughts and feelings out in front of me.
8. Take a nap. Sometimes we just need to recharge. I always feel better after getting some rest.
9. Plan a fun activity. Moping around never helps me feel any better, so it usually helps to plan something fun to do if I’m feeling up to it. It can be something as simple as creating my own vision board or something as big as planning a trip.
10. Do something spontaneous. Some of my favorite memories entail choices I made spontaneously. We should all learn to let go of routine every now and then and do something exciting and unplanned.
11. Prioritize. Sometimes I feel depressed when my priorities are out of balance. I try to make sure I’m giving a fair amount of attention to all the priorities in my life, such as work, relationships, health, and personal happiness.
12. Look through old photographs or snap some new ones. Sorting through old memories or capturing new ones usually puts a smile on my face.
13. Hug someone. I am definitely a hugger. Hugs are such an easy way to express love and care without having to say a word.
14. Laugh. Watch a funny movie or spend time with someone who has a good sense of humor. Laughing releases tension and has a natural ability to heal.
15. Cry. I don’t like crying in front of people, but whenever I have an opportunity to slink away and cry by myself, I always feel better afterwards. Crying releases pain.
16. Read back over old emails or text messages, or listen to old voicemails. Whenever I feel dejected or bad about myself, I like to read kind emails and comments from my blog readers or listen to cute voicemails from my grandmother. Doing so reminds me that I’m loved, thought about, and appreciated.
17. Reconnect with someone. Get back in touch with an old friend or a family member that you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Reconnecting with people almost always puts me in a good mood and fills my heart up with love.
18. Write yourself a letter. I try to separate myself from my ego and give myself a pep talk every now and then. Cicero said, “Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.”
19. Try a deep breathing exercise. There are all kinds of deep breathing exercises out there. Find one you like and do it whenever you’re feeling stressed or overly emotional.
20. Cultivate gratitude. Practicing genuine gratitude on a daily basis has been a major source of healing in my life. When I step back and notice everything I have to be grateful for, it makes me feel like I have everything I need and that nothing is lacking. It makes me feel whole.
21. Re-watch a funny or inspiring YouTube video. I recommend Webcam 101 for Seniors. That video cheers me up every time. There are so many funny and inspiring videos online.
22. Bake something. Baking has always been therapeutic and entertaining for me. Plus, I can eat whatever I baked and share it with others afterward.
23. Get out of the house. I work from home, so a large majority of my time is spent indoors, planted in front of my laptop. I have to make a point to get out every now and then, whether it’s to get some fresh air or go out to eat with a friend.
24. Focus on what truly matters to you. Sometimes I forget what matters to me and what isn’t that important. Some things just aren’t worth getting too upset over.
25. Take a negative comment or situation and look for something positive about it. If someone says something negative to me or I get stuck in an unpleasant situation, sometimes it helps to look at it from a different angle. Perspective is everything.
26. Daydream. Take a mental vacation. Let your mind wander for a while.
27. Let some natural sunlight come in. Opening all the blinds and curtains and letting natural sunlight flood your home can help elevate your mood.
28. Take a mental health day. Sometimes we just need to take a day to clear our heads and nurture our souls. My mental health has a history of being a bit erratic, so nurturing it is a priority in my life.
29. Let go. This is a very simple mantra of mine. I usually say it to myself multiple times each day, which has been very liberating and empowering.
30. Read Tiny Buddha. And of course, you can always read Tiny Buddha! I personally love the quotes section. There is a category for almost every universal theme or emotion.

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