Yorkshire Counselling Services

Psychosexual and Relationship Therapy in York. Tel : 07841 354 305

Category: Communication

New Year a New You !

New Year can be a time to reflect on the past year or even issues going further back that have never been resolved and are holding you back from being the person you want to be.

Relationships sometimes like everything could do with an MOT just to keep things on track, maybe communication could be a bit better or perhaps your sex life isn’t what it was once and you want it to be part of your relationship once more.

Often we can get bogged down with the demands of day to day life, being a parent, work pressues and just trying to manage the day to day things and the relationship has got pushed down the priority list.

Or perhaps, depression, anxiety, low self esteem etc have held you back for to long now and you want to make changes to feeling more positive about who you are and to enjoy life again.

If you are young person and the worry of your GCSE’s are getting to much, things just feeling a little to overwhelming and you can’t talk to your parents and you are feeling alone with these feelings then talking to a neutral third party can help you.

Well it maybe time to address these issues and start the new year as you mean to go on, things from the past can hold us from moving forward and feeling positive about the future, if you are in need of some help and support then please get in touch.

 

 

Is Christmas & New Year a stressful time of year for you ?

Christmas & New Year can be a time of happiness and getting together with family etc, but it can also be a stressful time of year for a lot of people, relationships can feel strained, pressures of family etc, social anxieties of having to go to a work Christmas due or perhaps a New Years eve party, but you aren’t sure whether you can face being sociable perhaps because of low self esteem or lack of confidence. It a time when we are almost expected to ‘have fun’ but it is not always easy and can feel quite pressured to do so. If you suffer from depression then this time of year can feel especially difficult to manage as everyone else around you is having fun and appears happy and don’t understand why you don’t perhaps feel the same or as excited about it.

If you feel unsure how you are going to manage or feel you need some support during this period then counselling can help you to manage these anxieties and stresses. Also with the New Year looming it can be a time to look back at the past year and to think about maybe finding  a way of drawing a line under issues of the past that may still be bothering you or holding you back from being the person you want to be – whether it is help and support for yourself or perhaps things in your relationship aren’t as good as they could be or perhaps sexual difficulties which have never been resolved then it can be the motivation to start the year off by making positive changes.

Any of this feels familiar for you and you are wanting to make changes and get some support then please get in touch, appointments now available – daytime and evening.

Are you really listening ?

We all like to think we are great listeners, but are we? research shows that actually we are generally quite poor at just listening, whether it’s because we feel criticised, feel we need to get our point across first or we are distracted by the television or more focused on our own thoughts these are all things which affect how effectively we listen.

Here is a few things to consider and see how good a listener you really are and are there things that you could be doing differently to improve your listening.

Are You Really Listening ?

Do I always interrupt?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I really listen ‘between the lines’  when people are saying one thing but perhaps meaning something else ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I really concentrate and try to remember important information ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I have control of my emotions if someone else is angry or upset ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I always turn off the TV / Stop reading the paper when someone is talking to me ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I show people that I am interested, by giving eye contact and turning towards them ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I listen or do I wait for them to stop speaking before speaking myself ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I help others to express difficult feelings ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I always try to fix the problem, rather than just listen ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I check out with people if I am unsure how they have meant something before taking offence or getting upset ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

 

 

Tips on Negotiating

An important area and one that some of us can really struggle with in getting it right whether it’s at work, with our partners, friends, family and our young people. This weeks blogs is looking as some things to consider and to identify whether you are someone who is a good negotiator or could be better at it!

A relationship takes compromise on both sides and how we go about negotiating our own position and to get an outcome that doesn’t leave the other person feel like they have lost or had to coincide can be really helpful.

Are you a Hard or Soft negotiator ?

Someone who is a hard negotiator will often be hard on the other person, insists that their position is correct and can bulldoze through objections and sensitivities – often leaving the other person defeated and not heard and that there point is never listened to.

Someone who is a soft negotiator will often result in the person willing to shift and move their position and cave into any objections that the other person may bring up in order of trying to maintain the relationship and to avoid conflict. This again can leave the person feeling that they are always having to compromise.

So how to avoid being one of the above!

What we want to be trying to be is what is called a principle negotiator – and this means we try to respect the other person and their position and circumstances, but does not lose sight of the issues and gets an outcome where both parties feel there points have been heard and listened to, this can help to build a better relationship when issues arise and need to be resolved.

  • Be assertive and practical but this doesn’t mean being defensive or aggressive
  • Don’t lose sight of the issue
  • Don’t send the other person on a guilt trip
  • Keep it simple
  • Bring in secondary arguments if required
  • Don’t be afraid to bargain
  • Know at the start what is your bottom line and how far you are prepared to shift
  • Don’t open with your bottom line as this doesn’t allow you to move in your position
  • It’s not about who wins but about both parties coming away happy with the conclusion
  • State clearly what it is you want
  • Listen to the other person and what it is that they want
  • Agree to meet in the middle
  • Don’t accept it if you aren’t happy with the outcome as this leads to resentments – say so !
  • Consider if you aren’t being flexible enough and are perhaps being to rigid

If you hit an impasse then take a break don’t let it escalate and agree to come back to it when things have calmed down. If you really can’t find a middle ground then what is going to be the minimum that you are willing to accept.

If you have any thing to add or helpful ideas on successful negotiation please leave a comment. Thanks for reading,

 

 

Tips for Good Communication

Tips for Good Communication

 

Communication, communication, communication – how often do we hear that communication has broken down or we don’t communicate how we used to – what leads us to this and how do we get from talking and resolving differences to a position where even simple things seem to turn into a battle.

We all know that we should listen more than perhaps we do and it is quite usual for us to all think we are good listeners, but are we…worth thinking about isn’t it. Do we actually stop and listen to what the other person is saying to us, do we understand what they are trying to tell us, do we interrupt the other person before they have finished, do we check out with the other person if we hear something that makes us feel defensive and angry.

Miscommunication, assumptions are all things that can happen so how do we avoid doing this…

Here are some simple tips to think about…

If we want to try to get across something that the other person has done or does that we would like a change instead of constant nagging, making subtle hints or shouting which rarely gets the result that you actually want instead try :

Say what you feel……………………………….. I feel……………………..’

Describe the behaviour………………………… ‘When you……………..’

Say how it affects you………………………….. ‘Because……………….’

Ask for a change in behaviour………………. ‘What can we do about this……………’

Or we can do it another way

Say what you want………………………………. ‘I want……………………’

Explain what you want………………………….. ‘Because………………..’

Allow the other person to say how they feel ‘Are you able to do that?’

 

A useful book that can help us look at how we communicate and perhaps communicate in a better way is ‘Stop arguing Start talking’ by Julia Cole.

 

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me

and you start giving advice

you have not done what I asked.

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way

you are trampling on my feelings.

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems

you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

 

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen

not to talk or do – just hear me.

 

When you do something for me that I can and need to do

for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

 

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel

no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you

and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this

irrational feeling.

 

And when that’s clear the answers are obvious

and I don’t need advice.

 

Irrational feelings make sense when we

understand what’s behind them.

 

So, please listen and just hear me,

And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn;

and I’ll listen to you.

10 Tips for a good row!

Arguing and disagreements however solid a relationship, will happen from time to time, and it’s not so much about we shouldn’t have arguments, but more of when we do, how we resolve them in a good way which is important.

There is no doubt that there is a collation about how a couple argue and how these are resolved, which help maintain a healthy relationship. Some things to think about next time you are in an argument:

 

Choosing the best time and place – not having difficult or emotionally charged conversations if one of you is tired for example. Out in public might not be the best place either!

 

• Sticking to what the real issue is about – i.e. don’t make the argument about the washing up if the real issue is unsatisfactory sex!

 

 • Listen to each others’ anger, disappointment, sadness, or whatever else they may be feeling and without interrupting.

 

 • No one runs away – no one leaves before it has finished or goes silent, slams the doors or ‘uses’ tears.

 

 • Physical, verbal and emotional abuse / violence is never acceptable and totally out.

 

 • Avoid hitting below the belt – making it personal, dragging in others, name calling etc.

 

 • Not bringing up grievances from the past.

 

 • Not manipulating each other by withdrawing love or sex.

 

 • Not trying to be a winner and making the other person feel the loser….but to find a way through together.

 

 • Admit our mistakes, and start to look for a positive solution.

 

 

 

 Thanks for reading and maybe you have some thoughts you could share about what you do in these situations and what helps. Jason

 

 

 

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