Yorkshire Counselling Services

Psychosexual and Relationship Therapy in York. Tel : 07841 354 305

Tag: relationships

Are you really listening ?

We all like to think we are great listeners, but are we? research shows that actually we are generally quite poor at just listening, whether it’s because we feel criticised, feel we need to get our point across first or we are distracted by the television or more focused on our own thoughts these are all things which affect how effectively we listen.

Here is a few things to consider and see how good a listener you really are and are there things that you could be doing differently to improve your listening.

Are You Really Listening ?

Do I always interrupt?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I really listen ‘between the lines’  when people are saying one thing but perhaps meaning something else ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I really concentrate and try to remember important information ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I have control of my emotions if someone else is angry or upset ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I always turn off the TV / Stop reading the paper when someone is talking to me ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I show people that I am interested, by giving eye contact and turning towards them ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I listen or do I wait for them to stop speaking before speaking myself ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I help others to express difficult feelings ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I always try to fix the problem, rather than just listen ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

Do I check out with people if I am unsure how they have meant something before taking offence or getting upset ?

Always —————————————————————————————————– Never

 

 

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me

and you start giving advice

you have not done what I asked.

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way

you are trampling on my feelings.

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems

you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

 

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen

not to talk or do – just hear me.

 

When you do something for me that I can and need to do

for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

 

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel

no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you

and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this

irrational feeling.

 

And when that’s clear the answers are obvious

and I don’t need advice.

 

Irrational feelings make sense when we

understand what’s behind them.

 

So, please listen and just hear me,

And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn;

and I’ll listen to you.

New Year a New You !

New Year can be a time to reflect on the past year or even issues going further back that have never been resolved and are holding you back from being the person you want to be.

Relationships sometimes like everything could do with an MOT just to keep things on track, maybe communication could be a bit better or perhaps your sex life isn’t what it was once and you want it to be part of your relationship once more.

Often we can get bogged down with the demands of day to day life, being a parent, work pressues and just trying to manage the day to day things and the relationship has got pushed down the priority list.

Or perhaps, depression, anxiety, low self esteem etc have held you back for to long now and you want to make changes to feeling more positive about who you are and to enjoy life again.

If you are young person and the worry of your GCSE’s are getting to much, things just feeling a little to overwhelming and you can’t talk to your parents and you are feeling alone with these feelings then talking to a neutral third party can help you.

Well it maybe time to address these issues and start the new year as you mean to go on, things from the past can hold us from moving forward and feeling positive about the future, if you are in need of some help and support then please get in touch.

 

 

Is Christmas & New Year a stressful time of year for you ?

Christmas & New Year can be a time of happiness and getting together with family etc, but it can also be a stressful time of year for a lot of people, relationships can feel strained, pressures of family etc, social anxieties of having to go to a work Christmas due or perhaps a New Years eve party, but you aren’t sure whether you can face being sociable perhaps because of low self esteem or lack of confidence. It a time when we are almost expected to ‘have fun’ but it is not always easy and can feel quite pressured to do so. If you suffer from depression then this time of year can feel especially difficult to manage as everyone else around you is having fun and appears happy and don’t understand why you don’t perhaps feel the same or as excited about it.

If you feel unsure how you are going to manage or feel you need some support during this period then counselling can help you to manage these anxieties and stresses. Also with the New Year looming it can be a time to look back at the past year and to think about maybe finding  a way of drawing a line under issues of the past that may still be bothering you or holding you back from being the person you want to be – whether it is help and support for yourself or perhaps things in your relationship aren’t as good as they could be or perhaps sexual difficulties which have never been resolved then it can be the motivation to start the year off by making positive changes.

Any of this feels familiar for you and you are wanting to make changes and get some support then please get in touch, appointments now available – daytime and evening.

Habits of making a strong relationship

An interesting article on the habits of couples who are in good relationships.

 

http://www.bustle.com/articles/45366-10-habits-of-couples-in-strong-and-healthy-relationships

6 Ways to think about trust!

Trusting in a relationship is an important aspect, yet is something that comes up a lot in relationships and can cause a lot of difficulties when there doesn’t feel there is trust.

Here are some ways to think about trust and ways of trusting someone :

  • Reliability

– Do you /they keep their promises – ‘actions speak louder than words’

  • Predictability

– Do you / they generally do what they say they will

– Do you / they generally remember to do something on a regular basis

  • Honesty

– Do you / they answer or avoid questions

– Do you / they lie to get out of difficult situations 

– Are lies part of the relationship

  • Loyalty

 – Are you / they generally supportive

 – Are you / they generally ‘in the others corner’

  • Commitment

– Are either of you vague about what you want / expect in the future

– Do both of you ‘stick’ through the mundane up and downs of life

– Do you both have a vision of a future together

  • Shared Boundaries

– What do you agree are the most important things to maintain in the relationship

– How similar are your ideas and attitudes to sex, finance, children, work, home life

– What do you both believe about being faithful

– What ideas do yo share about how to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, high days

– What are your attitudes to contact with close and extended family members

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